Childhood rape……….

Very often I find myself wondering why I exist……. My life has been complicated ever since birth. I was 5 years old when my cousin raped me. That’s the only vivid memories I remembered at that age. I was living with my aunt, she was like a mother to me. She treated me as her own since I wasn’t living with my mother.
One day she left me home alone with my cousin. I only remember him laying on top of me. I remember him asking “do you feel that?” I said “no” he then forced himself in me. And again he asked “do you feel that? “Yeah it hurts” I said DO you understand what is going on? I answered “no”. After all I was only a child I couldn’t possibly comprehend what was happening. I remembered my aunt’s walking in the house, He pulled my pants up and told me not to tell her or anyone what had happened. Everything felt so wrong but I was a stupid Child so I didn’t tell anyone. As I age I began to comprehend what happened. As I age I realized that he had wrong me, he took my innocence. I felt lonely and unloved growing up. My father didn’t loved me, I wasn’t living with my mother, the other person who loved me had passed away. There were many days I wish I were dead due to the shame I felt. No one knew what happened or why I was that way because I was so ashamed of it and thought it didn’t matter because no one really cared about me. When I was about 13 I moved to NY with my dad and my half brother. When we moved to NY we lived with another one of my aunt and cousin. I was sexually violated by him and almost raped me on multiple occasions. I am not ferocious or bitter at him for what he did to me because I understand that he was just a confused teenager, but I am morbid as to how the situation impacted my life. When I turned 17 I developed a relationship with a boy. We went out for six months before I had a sexual relationship with him, but few months later the relationship turned toxic.(don’t want to get into details) but we want out for two years before I was able to end the relationship. I found ways to suppress these memories but every once and a while, mostly at night these memories resurface. It’s as if I relieved those moments again. I always feel this weight and this burden on my back. I always felt like I was carrying this big secret. Until I confided in one of my closest friend, we talked about it. I still suffer from these events, but talking about it did help. I’m 20 years old and yet I still feel such shame and embarrassment that this had happened to me…………….